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I nodded, feeling a bit foolish for my breakdown. As long as it s not Will you marry me.
We laughed liked old friends reunited after a long time apart, not an easy laughter, but one that
suggested we were at least working up to that comfortable place.
His expression turned serious. Let me kill my father?
The easy moment dissipated like vapor into the air. Absolutely not!
Why? Afraid I ll turn to the dark side? He scoffed. You ll never believe I ve changed.
I swallowed the lump of tears that formed in my throat. I believe you re changed. I do. But I m not
willing to take that kind of risk.
Nathan screamed again, the headboard thumping the wall and echoing through the house. This time, I
ignored the way it unsettled me, and concentrated on Cyrus.
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The risk that I ll return to my father? That I ll become the monster you remember? He shook his head.
That s not going to happen.
I didn t respond, trying to block out the sounds of Nathan s frantic, pleading voice coming from the
bedroom.
Right. I m just a weak-minded human who ll succumb to the Soul Eater at the first promise of power
and wealth. Cyrus twisted angrily away, marching down the hallway to my room. I followed.
The way he paced inside the small room alarmed me. I worried he would snap and do something violent
or break something. Instead, he grabbed the framed picture of Ziggy off of my desk and thrust it at me.
His face twisted with remorse. I killed this boy. I killed him, because that s what I was told to do.
Ziggy s face smiled at me from the photo. The glass of the frame caught the light in a glare, and I could
only make out his mouth and eyes, giving him the faded appearance of an accusing ghost. My chest
tightened.
My father taught me to kill for fun and pleasure. He asked me to do terrible things for him, and I did
them. How did he repay me? By taking away everyone I loved, until I couldn t feel love anymore. I could
only feel this burning, selfish want. I desired to possess them, that was all. He sounded as though he
would break down and sob. I didn t know how I would handle it if he did.
On the other side of the wall, Nathan had become more restless. I closed my eyes and pressed my
hands to my temples. Cyrus was there in an instant, this time wrapping his arms around me without
looking for permission. He kissed my hair, whispering, If my father is dead& As long as he s alive there
is always a chance I ll turn to him, return to the way I was. I never want to become that man again! Do
you understand? I want to kill my father.
Another pained howl rent the air, and I gasped, shocked by the violence of the sound and the hurt that
had caused it. I have to go. I can t stand this.
I ran out of the room, to the front door, ignoring Cyrus s call of, Carrie, wait! I took the steps two at a
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time, burst through the door at the bottom before I took a breath. I dragged the chilled night air into my
lungs, wanting to drown in it. From here, I couldn t hear Nathan crying out, but the memory haunted me.
It was worse now that I knew what caused it. The thought of Nathan forced to kill his wife every second,
the wife he still loved so much he could not let her go, was too much for me to fathom. I stumbled to the
van parked at the curb and leaned my forehead against the side, not bothering to stop the shuddering
sobs that racked my body.
Behind me the door opened and closed, and I knew it was Cyrus just from the sound of his footsteps.
He put one hand on my shoulder, and I spun at his touch, startling him.
I don t think you ll become a monster, I blurted, a bit too loudly, but I didn t care who heard. I just
needed to get some of the crushing, confusing emotion off my chest. I don t want you going to him
because I don t want you to die! I don t know what I d do if I choked on the rest of my words, but
they echoed in my head. If I lost you again.
Though I hadn t spoken them, Cyrus heard them. He stared at me, hard, his blue eyes, which had
always looked so cold boring into me with an intensity he could have been pretending.
I thought of Nathan upstairs, struggling and in pain. I thought of the agony Cyrus must be going through,
over what his father had done to him and the girl in the desert. I wanted the pain to be somehow deeper
in me, fearing I wasn t feeling it enough to truly understand. And then I realized that was all I had been
doing feeling all that horror and guilt until it felt normal, numb.
When Cyrus kissed me this time, it wasn t passion and anger overcoming him. His hands tangled in my
hair, his mouth crushed against mine as if through touching me he could erase my pain. He did care that
he had hurt me in the past, and now he sought to make up for that.
I didn t resist him. I still loved Nathan. He was my sire; it was impossible not to feel something for him.
But too much lay unresolved between Cyrus and me. It wasn t betrayal, it was closure.
Cyrus fumbled beside me for an instant, and I heard the back door of the van swing open. He never let
me go, never moved his mouth from mine as he shifted me toward it and laid me back on the horrible
gold carpet inside. Maybe he thought if he broke contact and gave me a second to think, I would tell him
to stop. I wouldn t have. I hurt. I wanted for just a moment to feel something that didn t.
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