[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
connected. I witnessed my father in his lover s arms, standing in
the pouring rain as lightning flashed overhead and thunder
beckoned their disclosed lust for each other. How extremely odd
it was to stand in the Samoy Woods and see my father embrace
another man, becoming affectionate with his tongue and fingers,
lost in his hidden world.
And there, as if being slapped by my past, I fully
understood my father s cold relationship with my mother when I
was growing up. How cruel he was to her, distant and uncaring.
51
How unpleasant and dispassionate. So not the husband he
should have been. Hiding a secret from her for all those years of
marriage. Playing the role of the unseen and unheard husband
who longed to be touched by another man. Traveling to his log
cabin and leaving her behind. Vanishing from the cabin for
hours, leaving me alone to fend for myself. Such horrible lies.
Such untruths and pain. No wonder I believed he never loved my
mother. No wonder I was a confused boy. No wonder I was
* * * *
Development: I turned and began my run back to the log
cabin. As rage boiled within my system, I twisted my ankle on an
unobserved branch and fell to the ground. There I rested in the
mud, having a panic attack, feeling breathless. And there I
repeated within the folds of my fucked up mind: My father is
involved with a man. The photographer. H. Maximiliani. My
father s lover. Dying inside, I placed my head against summer
leaves and dirt, closed my eyes, and recalled the past few
moments: their kiss; two men hugging; my father and his secret
exposed; the photographer embracing his lover; lust between
men. It wasn t possible. It wasn t happening. I was going insane
and losing my mind. My father, I realized, was someone I had
never known.
52
Chapter 5
You lied to me! And you lied to my mother! You were
always dishonest with us! You ve always had this secret life.
How could you hide away here, dislocating yourself from your
family, the people that loved you? He s always been here for
you, hasn t he? You ve found a passion in running away,
secluding yourself up here, and now I understand why& Now, I
fully comprehend why you were never nice to my mother. I
always used to wonder why I never saw you kiss or hug her. I
wondered why you never talked to her. You didn t need her. You
had this place& You had a different life up here. You had that
man I saw you with. And now, I know why we are so different.
Now I understand completely.
Nicholas, calm down. You re hysterical. You need to
compose yourself before you get sick. It hasn t always been this
way. I was faithful to your mother. I was careful about my
difference. Yes, I lied, but it was for the good. I couldn t hurt her
any more than I already had. I couldn t hurt you. The relationship
with the photographer is new. It s not something that s been
happening for years. Yes, I have known H. Maximiliani for years,
but& our closeness is fresh, something that has just transpired
and flourished. You have to listen to me. You have to believe
me. When I was younger, when you were in school, before your
marriage, I was an honest man. No, I wasn t the perfect father or
husband, but I was different and had to learn to live. I should
have never married your mother, if the truth be known. I was a
confused man, though. I was unsure of who I really was inside. I
didn t know that I enjoyed the company of men. I was
I m not hysterical. I don t need to calm down. It s
bullshit!& I won t tolerate it. I won t deal with it. You re a liar!
You re insane! I ll never forgive you for this. I ll never speak to
you again. It all makes sense now. I grew up wondering why my
parents weren t close. I couldn t comprehend why you didn t buy
my mother presents on Valentine s Day or her birthday. I was
confused about your time spent up here. I didn t understand why
you were constantly running away. And when I came with
53
you& you left me for hours, hiding somewhere else. It s
bullshit!& It has always been bullshit! I won t have you in my life.
I don t need you. Your damage is done. Now I understand
completely.
* * * *
Development: My mother could have had a better life. She
could have had a man/husband who loved her more. Someone
who took her on short trips to Niagara Falls, or bought her
diamonds. Someone she could have easily basked in their love
with. My mother deserved better. A life of hugs and kisses. More
children. Lust and pleasure behind a bedroom door. She could
have enjoyed a man s closeness, his fingers woven within her
own. Her life was imperfect, a featureless marriage. My father
didn t love her the way he should have. My father didn t care for
her the way he should have. She suffered dearly. She wanted to
be loved. She deserved nothing less. Such a pity.
54
Chapter 6
I couldn t go back to the city; I wasn t ready. The house
would remind me of the baby and loss. It would have been
unpleasant therapy and emotional doom for me to run away from
the cabin by the lake and enter that deathly and harmful home in
Pittsburgh. I would have found Lock s room and never left. I was
keen enough not to place myself into danger. Suffocation would
have happened to me. The walls would have closed in on my
mind and soul. For me, that city home the place where I grew
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]