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while I kissed the boo-boo away. In time the pain will lessen,
you ll see.
Why don t we let her sleep? Mrs. Douglas suggested.
We can come back later.
After her family left, Kate was alone with her thoughts.
Perhaps she was the harshest of critics at the moment, but it
didn t prevent her from viewing her life as if it were a roller
coaster ride. There were so many ups and downs along the
way that she was beginning to feel that maybe she was being
held prisoner in an amusement park.
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She knew that Mark wasn t being completely honest with
her. He wasn t a saint. He had wanted a child much too badly
to take it as well as he did. He might not be sharing all the
emotions she was feeling, but he was probably hurting almost
as much. Deep down inside he d resent her for the loss of the
child. And if she couldn t bear him another, it would be
worse. The pain would always be there like a thorn in his side.
Damn him! Why didn t he listen when she warned him that she
was a jinx? He had told her she was being silly. Well, what did he
think now?
* * * *
A short time later, Kate had fallen into a restless sleep.
She dreamed she was in court watching trial after trial of all
the people she s ever loved. Their crime was their acceptance
of her love. She was tied to her seat, forced to watch as each
person was found guilty and sentenced to death. When she
cried out, they taped her mouth shut. It was one of the most
hideous nightmares she d ever had. When they placed her un-
born child on the witness chair, she felt an agonizing pain rip
right through her. It brought her to consciousness instantly.
Fully awake, she realized the pain was real and not part of her
dream. It was unbearable. Kate pushed the buzzer for the
nurse.
Is there something wrong, Mrs. Winters?
I...have a...terr...terrible pain. It hurts so, I& can
hardly& breathe.
The nurse put the light on and saw that Kate was lying in
a pool of blood. She gasped and ran out of the room. It was
then that Kate noticed the blood. She knew that whatever was
happening to her now would have dire consequences. Her life
had turned into one never-ending nightmare.
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A doctor rushed into the room followed by the nurse. He
pulled the blanket and sheet from Kate and began to examine
her. Another severe pain wracked Kate s body and she gave
out an involuntary moan.
We ve got to get her to OR immediately. She s hemorr-
haging badly, the doctor said. Get a gurney. There s no time
for an orderly.
The nurse nodded and was gone. By the time the doctor
reached the OR, they would be ready for them. Kate was met
by a trauma team of doctors and nurses who were trained for
most types of emergency.
She was examined quickly. The cauterization that had
been done earlier hadn t held. Too much damage had been
done to her uterus for that stop-gap method to work. They
needed to give her a hysterectomy. That was the last thing
that Kate wanted. Yet, the pain had become so overbearing...
The doctors were insistent that they had no other choice.
The bottom line was simple. If she wanted to live, she d let
them go ahead.
Almost three hours later, Kate was rolled into the recov-
ery room. Mark and Mrs. Douglas were pacing Kate s room
waiting for her to be brought back up. The other bed in her
room was still unoccupied, so they were able to remain there.
The doctor said she d be right up. Where the hell is
she? Mark asked his mother-in-law, knowing the question
was a rhetorical one.
Putting a hand on his shoulder, she replied, She ll be all
right.
Enough, already!
Understanding his pain, she said, Life is a mixture of
happiness and pain. Unfortunately sometimes the balance is
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upset and there seems to be only pain. But that quickly
changes, you ll see.
Mark shook his head in disgust.
When my son was killed in Vietnam I nearly died. I
hated that war and didn t understand why we were there
fighting in the first place. Why did my child have to go to that
God-forsaken country I asked over and over again when he
was first drafted? And when he died, I was inconsolable. The
pain never goes away, but it does lessen to the point you can
accept it and deal with it. That s living. If you don t, you re as
good as dead to yourself and everyone your life touches.
Why must life be a compromise? In order to get my
Kate back, I have to give up the dream of having children of
my own?
I have no answers to that. I just know we re often forced
to make decisions and compromises not of our own choos-
ing.
I hear something they re coming.
Mark, despite how much you re hurting, keep this in
mind. Kate may feel less of a woman now for reasons you ll
never fathom. Try to be understanding no matter how disa-
greeable she may act.
He nodded, rushing to Kate s side as soon as she had been
transferred to the hospital bed. She was groggy, but awake.
Her face was the color of blanched stone, as if all her blood
had been drained from her body. When she recognized Mark
she turned away.
Kate, don t turn from me. Please!
Remember what I said, Mark, his mother-in-law re-
minded him.
Sweetheart, I just want to know if you re all right.
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Without turning her head, Kate said, I ll never be all
right again. Leave me alone.
Don t shut me out. I love you, he said, tears starting to
slip from his eyes.
Go away!
Mark, let s leave her by herself for now. I know my
daughter. Your staying won t accomplish anything. Maybe af-
ter some sleep she ll feel better.
I...I hope you re right&
The family returned later that day. Kate was still unres-
ponsive, even to Paige, who didn t quite understand why her
mother was acting in such a disagreeable manner. Mark de-
cided that his in-laws should take Paige home. She still had a
couple of days left of school before the Christmas vacation be-
gan. Kate s car was still at the train station so they could drive
it home. He d remain in the hospital with Kate until she was
ready to come home.
* * * *
The next day was a duplication of the previous day. Kate
refused to talk to Mark no matter what he said or did. She
would turn her head away from him and cry until she fell as-
leep. Her behavior was disturbing him and breaking down his
resolve to be as understanding as he could. He found her be-
ing selfish, caring about her own feelings and not giving a
moment s thought about his anguish.
Finally on the third day, he exploded.
I ve been watching you lay there all day licking your
wounds. Well I ve got a scoop for you, madam. You don t
have a monopoly on pain. I m hurting too. Do you have any
idea what you ve put me through? Have you given one
thought to anything or anyone else other than yourself? You
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could have died the other night. You re alive, though you re
acting as if you re dead. You could have been more civil to
your daughter. She doesn t understand why you acted the way
you did and is very hurt. But what does that matter compared
to the traumatic experience you went through? Right? Noth-
ing can compare. We lost a baby. Must we lose our marriage,
too?
Kate turned to face him. Why can t you leave me be?
Because I love you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Kate.
We all understand your pain and want to help you, but we
can t unless you allow us to.
I want to be alone. I have nothing to say. I feel nothing.
Why can t you understand that?
Is this a temporary thing or will you make it perma-
nent?
I don t know. Why can t you just drop it for now and
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